Please stop telling me I'm suffering so others don't have to.

CW: Talk of pet death, terminal illness, mental illness, chronic illness, strange religious worldviews, loneliness.

I'm about to rant about how messed up my life has been off and on, including recently, and how weird people have been about it.

I don't understand where people get such ideas about life. And far as I know, this isn't even a Biblical belief but a few times now when I've felt the weight of the world, the horrific things I've seen with my own eyes and experienced for myself, and the losses I've endured I have been told: "It's because you're so strong." -or- "It's so others don't have to suffer in your place. You don't want others to suffer, right?"

Of course, not!

But that is not how pain and misery works. There is not some supernatural system in place, far as I know, in most any worldview, where misery is some sort of fixed amount that has to be distributed among human beings and more suffering given to people who can for whatever reason deal with more. 

And I seem to get it the most from people in my family's Christian faith. And it's almost always from people who are not dealing with, or have never dealt with the kinds of things I have. 

It's also not comforting in the slightest. If it's random because the world is often a dark and messed up place, at least you know you've done nothing wrong and no supernatural force has you cursed or targeted. But this philosophy people like to dump on me and others who have suffered can add another layer of hopelessness to it all. It's not just that the world is cruel...it's that we're doomed to suffer more than others because we're...strong?

No, fuck that.

Not to mention the fact that I don't feel strong right now. I have no friends right now offline. I thought I had one, but have had to accept I don't. No partner either and I haven't had one in some time. I'm disabled and unemployed due to PTSD of all things (diagnosed) and it's difficult to treat right now. There is an oncoming death in the family. It could be hours it could be a couple of months they think. My parents just lost their dog. Their dog, but I live with them so she may as well have been my dog too. She also passed during my watch. That was hard. I have chronic illnesses that have flared due to recent stress. Another nasty incident happened today that I'd rather not elaborate on.

I'm just very tired.

I also have to try not to get too bitter and remember some positives. While trying to make friends online and within this fandom in the past several months has had some ups and downs I've so far met some pretty awesome people and made some good friends. I'm enjoying playing this game and writing my fanfiction, and writing the way I prefer to write: gritty, raw, angsty, heavy, but with moments of positivity and humor to cut the darkness.

My relationship with my mom healed in ways this past year that I didn't expect. I have an online friend of ten years beta reading for me and just spoiled me with some awesome gifted green apple oolong tea I'm sipping now.

I have a cat annoying me while I'm trying to type this and I love her. In just over a month I will have surgery that should finally cure an ailment that has plagued me since puberty (and curing it will help therapy treat my PTSD much more easily). My hoyas are also thriving.

So...it's not all bad. But it's still hard. I really hope things do ease up. 

To anyone who took the time to read this long shout into the void, thank you.